i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
There r osticjed everywhere
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
