i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize