it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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