I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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