we're chasing vodka with high fives
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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