Jerry, you need to find god
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
