I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
