Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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