My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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