...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
