pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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