My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
