having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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