I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize