Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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