He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize