new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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