Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
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