So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize