ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
my shit smells like andre
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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