my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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