Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
