totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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