Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
