you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
