can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
