I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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