I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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