Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize