I faked an abortion last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
