Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
