Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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