Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
