GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
