Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize