I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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