she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
