You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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