Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
