hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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