Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
