Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
