Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
