Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
