My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
