Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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