I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
