moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My liver is preforming stress tests.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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