good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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