i can't believe i had my finger in that
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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