i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
