were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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