dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I wish you could order shots online.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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