I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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