that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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