You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Success! We fucked roommates!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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