Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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