Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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