We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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