I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
