ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
